Dear Anthony, how are you able to write this column if no one ever sends you questions?
Well, much speculation has surrounded this topic. I, for one, love not being chained down to a strict format. My creativity is able to blossom to its fullest extent, otherwise it might just rot like that carton of milk in the back of my fridge. I have noticed that it is more challenging at times to create both the question and the answer. It creates a freedom to be as nonsensical as possible. Aerobics instructor from the future.
Dear Anthony, do you find humor in personal tragedies?
Very much so. Just the other day my ovaries were pierced and I am now unable to have children. At first this seemed to be quite upsetting; but then I was reminded of how I find such things humorous. I barreled over in laughter and ended up being voted homecoming queen. Who needs ovaries when you got that tiara!
Dear Anthony, do you like the rain?
Short answer, yes. Long answer, no.
Dear Anthony, are pants really necessary?
I don't really think so. First off, for all those uptight prudes, we can cover our genitals with some peanut butter. This would prove to be an issue, what with keeping dogs from licking our crotches, but think of the freedom! We would never be constrained to those prisons again! Our children would never know the harsh world where thighs are oppressed and left to live as outcasts. Thighs of the world unite! I don't often see the need for exclamation marks, but dammit, I'm passionate about this. For too long the world has lived in fear of the naked thigh. Well no longer! The pants manufacturers may control this society, but why don't we start a new one? My friend owns a large piece of land in Montana that would be perfect for just such a venture. He has been talking about starting a religion and getting married to a 12 year old there, but once he hears of our pants-less society, it is only a matter of time. Did I mention that I, too, hate pants?
Dear Anthony, can you write something serious?
Yes. See that sucked didn't it?
Dear Anthony, after watching a debate between this election's vice-presidential candidates, I felt extremely worried. They both seemed so insipid and useless. I hope to god that whichever candidate gets elected they don't die somehow. Is there any hope for America?
Geez. I normally try to steer clear of politics. Well I think the most logical way to look at this is through the eyes of a conspiracy theorist. So you see, you can't trust republicans.
Dear Anthony, I carry a piece of my poop with me at all times. I know this seems weird, but it is only used for self defense. All will think twice about attacking a man that might put poop on you. I think the trade off of having to touch the poop is canceled by the awesomeness of putting poop on somebody else. Of course there is always the chance that the poop may be used as a weapon against you. If your attacker is able to avoid the poop and take it away from you, duck.
Once again, not a question. But may I pose a question: how do you carry this poop? I have often tried the same thing, as I feel humiliation is much more effective at stopping an attacker than brute force. My only obstacle up to this point has been it melting in my backpack instead of an attacker's mouth.
Dear Anthony, I met a girl on the bus the other day. Do you think that there is any chance that she is the one for me? You know the type that I will spend the rest of my life loving. The type that I will think about when she isn’t near, the type that will make my days seem complete. I can’t spend any more time waiting; I will soon be too old to attract anyone. After my recent episode with that mail-order bride, I don’t have any faith in women. Help!
You are too desperate for any women. You are a horribly incomplete person and can only bring misery to any woman that you involve yourself with. I think you are merely searching for a way to excuse your shortcomings. These faults number many and I have to finish this answer sometime in the next year or so. For this reason I will simplify this by just saying, you suck. I don’t usually say such obvious things, but I feel you are also very stupid. You would not have the mental capacity to otherwise understand such things, because you are an idiot. Jackass.
Dear Anthony, do you support Columbus Day?
I dislike Columbus Day. Columbus was a rapist, murderer and a generally bad person. The day that is set aside as the day that all Italians are to celebrate their heritage mocks them. Are we to think that this man is the finest example of Italian-American heritage? What about Tony Danza, Uncle Jesse and Estelle Getty. Okay I’m kind of kidding, Uncle Jesse did marry that hot chick (not the Olsen twins), but I think any man that can hold a steady job is better than a raping, thieving, murderer. Columbus came to the lands he “discovered” to find gold and, in turn, make himself rich. Upon discovering no gold he raped and killed until all who were left were forced into slavery. Christopher Columbus was responsible for the genocide of over 150 million, at least by conservative estimates. I suppose he did create a precedence of evil that many of our country’s “greats” have striven for. Yeah America!